To Feel by L.M. Brown
A male/male story
Bryan sat on the balcony and looked out over the ocean. He loved times like this, when it seemed as though all the world were sleeping, and only he were awake to enjoy the early sunrise.
Down below, waves lapped up onto the shore. The tide was deceptively treacherous; he knew that better than anyone.
Jack laughed as he waxed his board. The sun wasn’t even up yet and he was already raring to go. The call of the surf beckoned and he could do nothing except answer it by riding out on his board in the effort to catch the best wave he could.
Bryan sat on the steps of their beach house. “I thought we were going to have a weekend with just the two of us.”
“It is just the two of us,” Bryan pointed out with a grin. “There isn’t a single person here apart from you and me.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. It’s not like I’m going to be painting this weekend. I thought you wouldn’t be surfing either. We’re supposed to be spending time together.”
Bryan shook his long blond hair out of his eyes. “We are together.”
“Just let me catch a few waves. Then we’ll go get some breakfast and do whatever you want for the rest of the day.”
“No. You get one wave and then we get to do something I want.”
Jack shrugged and nodded his agreement. He stood up and kissed Bryan quickly on the lips. “Don’t go anywhere.”
Bryan knew there would be no talking Jack out of it. He watched Jack run into the surf with his board under his arm.
Bryan turned to see Jack sitting up in bed and looking at him through the open doorway. “Are you okay?”
Jack patted the mattress beside him. “Come back to bed.”
Bryan didn’t hesitate to join his lover once more.
“What were you doing out there at this early hour?”
“Daydreaming is more like it. How many times have I caught you dreaming in the quietest of moments?”
“Too many times.” Bryan curled up next to Jack and rested his head on his shoulder.
“You used to tell me about your dreams.”
“I know.” Bryan didn’t want talk about how closed off he had become in the last year.
“We can still do pretty much everything we used to do,” Jack said after a few minutes of silence. “Why don’t you ever ask me to do things with you any more?”
“Because the things I wanted us to do together aren’t options any more. I’ll get used to it. We both will.”
“What would you have done if I hadn’t wiped out so stupidly that morning?”
Bryan couldn't stop his smile.
“What has you smiling?” Jack asked.
“How can you tell what my expression is?”
Jack chuckled. “Oh, I can tell all right. You had some right dirty plans for me, didn’t you?”
“We can still do them you know. It’s not like I can’t get it up any more.”
“I figured that out without hours of you coming home,” Bryan pointed out. “I’ve never known you to be as horny as you were that day.”
“What did you expect? I hadn’t had you in me in months.”
“Can you still feel me like you used to?”
“Of course I can, and even if I couldn’t I’d still want you in me.”
“Why? What would be the point?”
Jack laughed. “And that, my darling, is why I love you. Always thinking of my pleasure before your own.”
Bryan turned to look Jack in the eye. “I wanted to make love to you in the surf that last morning.”
Jack drew in a deep breath. “Why didn’t you say so? We can still do that.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“Because you’ve not been in the ocean since the accident. You can’t go in the ocean any more. The least I can do is not remind you of what you can no longer have.”
Jack cupped Bryan’s cheek with his hand. “Before the accident there were two things I loved in life. Being in the ocean and feeling you inside me. I can’t surf any more and so I’ve not gone down to the beach because it reminded me of what I’ve lost.”
“I know that. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“Let me finish, Bryan. Making love in the water, out there on the beach, is something I never even considered. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hating the ocean because I can no longer surf. If we made love in the water, with the waves lapping up over us, I think perhaps I could learn to love the ocean again.”
Bryan sat back and looked Jack in the eye. “Are you sure? It won’t be easy to get down to the water, and if anyone comes across us, you’re not exactly in a position to run for cover.”
“I’m sure. Now bring my chair over here and let’s get out there before the early risers start walking their dogs and heading out for their morning jog.”
A short time later they were down on the beach. Jack’s wheelchair had made heavy progress over the sand, but they had made it to the edge of the water with relatively little trouble.
Bryan helped Jack down onto the sand and they sat on the damp sand, letting the waves wash over their legs.
“Can you feel the water?” Bryan asked.
Jack smiled and pulled Bryan into a deep kiss. “Make me feel something, Bryan.”
Bryan squeezed his eyes closed to stall the tears for what Jack had lost. As gently as he could, he moved Jack’s dead limbs apart and slowly slid his way inside.
For the first time in months, Bryan believed him.
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